We may well lament divorce rates in the church. But the real epidemic is this — marriages in the church which look no different than those in the world.
Marriage only exists because God created it. Defining the order and ordaining it as good, right, and necessary for humanity. Why did He create it? For those of us married, has this thought crossed our minds? We have made our lifelong vows to another because God invented the institution, but for what purpose?
As I often reflect about in nature — God could have made all of the flora and fauna monochromatic, and yet look at His treatment of the butterflies, with their thousands of color combinations. The same could be said about food — what purpose does flavor and texture serve? We make meals every day, combining ingredients, arranging visual presentations, to delight the taste buds of those we serve. But have we stopped to recognize this only exists because He decided it should be so? We may obsess over salt, acid, fat, and heat, or the latest carb, sugar, and gluten-free disciplines, but does it cause us to reflect upon Him? He intentionally designed the world with color, flavor, texture, and variety, with pleasing and unpleasing smells and tastes. For what purpose?
With such a frame of mind, we can now properly examine marriage, getting past the tradition of it all in favor of the designed intent. Hosea gets us close: “‘And it shall be, in that day,’ says the LORD, ‘That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ I will betroth you to Me forever.” (2:16,19)
Paul fills in the gaps even more, “This mystery [of marriage] is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the Church.” (Eph. 5:32)
In the verses preceding this, we learn the husband is the head of the wife — she is to submit to him in everything as he loves her as his own flesh, for, in a sense, she is, as it is written in Genesis, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” How much is she, the wife, to submit to her husband? “Just as the Church is subject to Christ…in everything.” How much is he, the husband, to love his wife? “Just as Christ loved the Church.” And how much is he to provide and care for her? “Just as Christ does for the Church.” I wonder, if we were to examine Christ’s love, provision, and care for His Church, would we find any lack? Or if we were to explore the extent to which the Church is His, submitted to Him in all things, would we find reasons or places where it does not need to? Certainly not! Therefore, just as Christ and just as the Church, so shall your marriages be.
We are now caught up to our verse, “This mystery is profound.” Why is this here? Because, without this truth stated clearly, we may be prone to an explanation that is less mysterious, more practical, and easier to comprehend. In a sense then, it is a warning: do not treat as common, that which God has ordained as holy, sacred, and profound. Therefore, you who teach, or you who reads to understand, remember — any explanation of marriage must lead to the conclusion: this mystery is profound.
Not mysterious as in unable to know for sure or somehow ambiguous as to how we are called to act, respond, and obey. Rather, mysterious in the sense of a union that is beyond our full comprehension at the moment. Christ and the Church, all one as members of the same body, joined together with Him in His death, burial, and resurrection, remembering and participating in this great and glorious union when we take communion, love one another, and of course, in the headship and submission of our marriages. You view your marriage in this light, don’t you? And not just in the highs, but also in the depths of disappointment and through the meanderings of day-in-day-out monotony? What a beautiful, great, and profound mystery! What a privilege! He has made two, one! The husband and the wife, yes. But for the purpose of reflecting the greater union, Christ to the Church, individual and corporate reconciliation with God. What then can we say about marriages in the church which do not reflect this union? As I hear so often from fellow Christians, “Marriage is hard, expect to fight, to get annoyed, to not see eye to eye for as long as we walk this earth. That’s just the way it is until we get to heaven.” Is this really the great mystery God intended for us to put on display?
When, rather than the two becoming one, they still operate as individuals? Keeping separate schedules, bank accounts, parenting styles, because that’s the only way peace is possible in the home? “Us spending too much time together isn’t good for anyone,” I’ve heard some nervously laugh when recounting the dangers of downtime overlap with their spouse. But how can we laugh in return?
Wives, do you fixate on fashion, diet, and exercise, or religiously cover your heads when praying, focusing on the outward appearances of life? Or do you adorn “the hidden person of the heart with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God? For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands.” (1 Pet. 3:1-6)
Do you not tremble to complain about his lack of leadership, to ridicule him publicly, to wish in your heart that he was someone else entirely, to second guess his decisions which do not agree with yours, to overrule him, to nitpick him more than you pray for him? Could you possibly treat your other Husband the same way and likewise not fear? Let it not be so any longer.
Husbands, I call your attention to your aspirations. Where are they placed? Could I remind you, “If anyone aspires to be an overseer, he desires a noble work.” It does not say, if anyone obtains the office, simply if they aspire to it. Where is the nobility? In the aspiration. Now let us look more closely at our word aspire, for while in English it may mean little more than wishes and dreams, in Greek the picture is profound, “To stretch one’s self out in order to touch or grasp something.” (Strong’s) One who is stretched out finds themselves in a vulnerable position, fully extended, forsaking safety for the chance to touch or grasp their prize. To stretch out is to be all in, holding nothing back, driven and determined by the goal, knowing it may come at a great cost. Putting it back in context, the one who aspires to be an overseer, stretches themselves out just for the chance to one day touch or grasp this sacred office.
This same picture is used in two other places in the Scripture. First, those with faith are said to stretch themselves out as, “they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country.” (Heb. 11:16) And conversely, those who have “strayed from the faith,” stretch themselves out in greediness and covetousness, always aspiring to touch that which they do not have — a work leading to many sorrows, “for the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.” (1 Tim. 6:10) Men, where do we find ourselves stretching out? What is that object which we must have above all others and for which we will sell all we have just for the chance to one day touch or grasp?
As the qualifications mention, do we stretch ourselves out to be the husband of one wife, blameless, able to teach, not quick tempered, gentle, not quarrelsome, ruling our own house well, with our children in submission with all reverence, not allowing them to be insubordinate, running wild, unrestrained, or in rebellion? Or, do we find such careful tending to our wife and children as tedious, bothersome, and far too insignificant for us to give our chief effort and attention to? Is our first response to dwell with them in understanding, seeking God on their behalf, and using the resources we’ve been given to shepherd them with deliberate intention, or is it to erupt in impatience or indifference? If it’s the latter, know this, our prayers are currently hindered. Such is the seriousness of this beautiful, mysterious, glorious symbol which is marriage.
We expect so little. All while the Scriptures testify to the opposite. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us of true love — suffers long, does not seek its own, is kind, is not provoked, bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. “Wonderful,” we say, “but I could never love my spouse like that. It’s impossible.” For us, yes, yet not impossible for Christ, whose we are and who we have now put on, “for as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.” (Gal. 3:27) Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on [Christ, who is the overflowing fountain of all God’s blessing and goodness to us] tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering, bearing with one another, and forgiving one another…even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love.” (Col. 3:12-14)
We have seen the mysterious and well beyond our human abilities purpose of our marriages and now we see clearly the provision. Christ loves our spouse through us, supernaturally, as if He were loving them directly, as we die to ourselves, no longer loving our own lives or seeking our own will. They may or may not love us in return in such a manner, but the love of Christ is sufficient for either, as the One who perfectly loved those who hated Him.
How often will we need it to be Christ on our behalf? Every minute. You may fairly ask, “Can He even be our substitute, provision, strength at such frequency?” Oh friend, how little we know of the permanent, perfect, and all in all union we now have with Christ. The reconciliation has been secured. The two have become one. He stands at the ready to fulfill His vows. Our marriages must once again reflect such a glorious reality.
In love,
Derek